No, it was strictly pleasure. I didn't get anything else out of that night. Suppose I could have sold him if I'd kept at it, but there were easier sales to go after.
[ It probably sounds like he'd been sentimental, but he hadn't been. Maybe he would be now, but back then, he'd been less... kind. Certainly less sentimental. ]
Sometimes good sex is just that.
[ And he'd really love it if Blake would get on board with that. ]
No, you're right, you're right. Good sex, good fun. No one here's gonna argue 'gainst that, I don't think.
[ See? Not prudish at all when you really get down to it.
He tips back his wine, maybe a little more generously than he has to, but he feels safe enough in this situation, especially since Crowley seems to be letting him call most of the shots. ]
Just tryin' to establish a few more facts, y'know?
[ Blake looks exasperated and amused, flustered and flushed, but more than a bit of it's put on. ]
What? C'mon, what've I been doin' this whole time? I know you trust me. Wouldn't be here if you didn't. We're— we're past the trust thing, right? Thought we were past that.
Tell me somethin' else — somethin' I don't know. Or ask me somethin', I don't care. Long as someone's talkin'.
[ He looks at Blake, feeling just a little bit like he might shatter if any of this goes wrong right now. Maybe it's a little too much blood or a little too much wine or a little too much bloody humanity, but he feels entirely unbalanced. ]
Past it, I mean. Because it's sort of a big thing for me. I don't trust... people. I just don't.
[ Because they always let him down in the end. The last time he'd trusted anyone even a little, it had been Cas. ]
Sounds to me like you're askin' the wrong person. But if you're lookin' for reassurance on my end, you've got it. Wouldn't put my neck on the line for you if I didn't think you were worth it.
[ Feel free to let that sink it. Not that he hasn't made the same observation before. ]
Pretty sure people could argue with me, but they're not exactly givin' you the same credit they're givin' the rest of the people here, are they? Biggest monsters I've seen aren't demons, anyway.
[ And that all hits Crowley like a ton of bricks. He doesn't think that anyone's ever thought that he was worth it. Sure, he's tricked a few people into sort of liking him, but this isn't that. Blake's seen him for what he is--good and bad and everything in between--and he still wants Crowley to stick around. ]
It's a funny thing. When you're not human, sometimes you wind up chasing after humanity.
[ Crowley's seen it in Cas and countless monsters and now he sees it in himself. It's a truly frightening notion. ]
Hey, we're all fightin' the same fight. When you're human, sometimes you wind up chasin' humanity. Or wastin' it. It's funny, though; you're right. And whole diff'rent kinda concern on top of the concerns we already got.
[ He points at Crowley with his mostly-empty wine glass. ]
But I can say, some days you seem a bit more human than others. Have you noticed?
[ And he knows why, of course. He knows that it's the blood--his own doing. For some reason, though, with all the trust he has for Blake, it's not enough and he can't volunteer that information. He can't tell Blake what he's doing to himself or why.
He's not even sure if he should be glad or worried about the fact that Blake's noticed. ]
[ A slow nod. Blake's not sure what's making the difference, but it doesn't seem consistent, and every once in a while it almost feels like he's drunk. And not in the two-and-a-half glasses of wine kind of way, but in the high on emotion kind of way. ]
Well, details are kinda my thing.
[ He shrugs and takes another bite of his food, much lazier than before. ]
What d'you think's goin' on there? Should I be worried? I mean— [ He gestures. ] You're you. No problem acceptin' that, but...
Side effects from everything that happened in that year I was gone.
[ Even if he's going to try to omit the blood for now, he's not going to lie to Blake about the fact that something is happening and that he's aware of it. ]
I don't think it's something you have to worry about, though I would prefer if that observation could remain between us. The others from my world would use this against me.
[ And there are so many ways that it could be used. He's weaker now and he's taken on more weaknesses in letting himself feel these things. Blake is a weakness. ]
[ He doesn't have any problem making that accommodation, not after everything they've been through, especially after everything they've been through together. ]
Just... take care.
[ It's said in such a way to suggest Blake's not certain it's a good thing. Of course, that also means he's not certain it's a bad thing, either. The only thing he is certain of is that there's more here than meets the eye. ]
[ Crowley isn't quite sure how to even handle the fact that someone cares and not just because of whatever Crowley is going to do for him. ]
I do my best.
[ It's a little more difficult here, where he has more people to worry about than just himself. He has Blake and he has other friends, too. Maybe they're not people he'd take a bullet for, but they're people he cares about and he'd like them to be okay. ]
I'm a survivor. Always have been.
[ He smiles softly, even if it's almost bittersweet around the edges and doesn't quite make it to his eyes. ]
[ Blake stands and takes up his plate and silverware, does the same for Crowley, and drops it all off in the bathroom, of all places — it's the only sink he has — and leans back to look in the room while he replies. ]
Can't exactly lie. Really don't know what the future's gonna be like — no guarantees — but I gotta feelin' we'll be okay.
[ Eventually. No matter what. Even if it means they just go home. Not that home guarantees anything better for either of them... ]
[ Crowley pushes himself up from his chair after Blake takes his plate, following him to the bathroom a moment later and leaning on the doorframe. ]
Good.
[ He smile grows just a little as he takes in the sight of Blake's bathroom. It's almost shocking how nice it is in the face of Blake's clean-but-humble approach. ]
Well look at you. This is even nicer than my bathroom. I'm impressed.
[ The expression isn't lost on Blake, who easily catches it in the mirror. The plates he'll deal with later, but for now, he busies himself washing his hands. His smile is answered with a pleased, almost sated, nearly lazy grin. ]
Never skimp when it's important, right? Don't mind admitting it's a little higher up there on my list than a nice kitchen. And just under a really good bed.
[ All three combined make for a pretty comfortable John Blake. ]
[ Crowley hums in approval and moves closer, languid like a cat. Maybe it's the wine or the blood or the fact that he's just unloaded several tightly kept secrets on the one man he trusts to keep them, but there's something so natural about this. ]
It's good to have priorities, darling. Creature comforts are important. It's easier to deal with a harsh world when you've got something nice to come home to.
[ He stops just inside Blake's personal space, still unsure if he's allowed to go any further. He hates this feeling that curls in his gut now, because the old Crowley would have pressed Blake into the counter and taken what he'd wanted and the man he is now... well, he cares just a little more about the consequences between them. He's seen Blake's anger and he doesn't want to see it again--not over this. ]
[ If nothing else, it's a credit to Crowley to hold off, particularly because he knows that Blake doesn't mind contact, but almost always prefers to initiate it, especially when it happens between them. The same wouldn't necessarily be true with anyone else in Wonderland, but after those first few acts of aggressive courtship (if it could even be called that), it's really the only way to be when Crowley's around. At least for now.
Nevertheless, he doesn't move as he dries his hands, interacting with Crowley's reflection instead of turning to speak directly to him. ]
What you're callin' priorities, I'm openly callin' vanity, you realize. Don't need to justify my choices. Better you don't, actually.
[ He moves just a little closer, watching Blake's reflection. ]
Especially when it's you.
[ Leaning on the counter to Blake's side, he still keeps a few inches between them, but he does want to touch and if Blake doesn't side-step, he just might let himself rest a hand gently at the small of Blake's back. ]
Wasn't talkin' 'bout criticism, I was talkin' 'bout justification.
[ He doesn't move, not even when that hands hits home, but he's wary and entirely aware of its existence. It's something different to be close to someone, and while he's certain they have a ways to go before they can even consider themselves casual, he does admit to himself that things are a bit easier when there's someone nearby. ]
You don't need to justify my choices, you don't, even if it's convenient. That's all I'm tryin' to say. You're not responsible for makin' me right with the world, or the world right with me.
[ His hand settles a little more solidly, but makes no move up or down. What he wants is light affection here, nothing more and nothing less and certainly nothing that pushes too harshly at the boundaries that Blake needs. ]
I like you just the way you are, even the infuriating parts.
[ And he's trying his best to be him, but he's losing sight of who that is anymore and he's trying to be mindful of Blake's boundaries and Wonderland's boundaries. ]
[ He laughs and shakes his head, palms resting on the surface of the sink. This isn't the type of scenario he expected when dinner began, but at least he's not uncomfortable. ]
Those're my favorite parts, prob'ly. [ And then he nods back toward his bedroom. ] How 'bout a movie before you go?
[ With a small smile working its way back to his face, he drops his hand and moves away. He doesn't doubt that the things about Blake that make him angry are things Blake likes about himself. Really, some of that is what Crowley likes most about him.
Blake's certainly a challenge, albeit one he enjoys rising to. ]
That sounds nice. I could use a few hours to turn my brain off.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ It probably sounds like he'd been sentimental, but he hadn't been. Maybe he would be now, but back then, he'd been less... kind. Certainly less sentimental. ]
Sometimes good sex is just that.
[ And he'd really love it if Blake would get on board with that. ]
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[ See? Not prudish at all when you really get down to it.
He tips back his wine, maybe a little more generously than he has to, but he feels safe enough in this situation, especially since Crowley seems to be letting him call most of the shots. ]
Just tryin' to establish a few more facts, y'know?
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[ He finishes off his glass of wine before reaching for the bottle, all the while keeping his eyes on his tasks and not Blake. ]
I trust you, darling.
[ And the fact that he can admit it is the true proof of just how deep that trust has come to run. ]
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What? C'mon, what've I been doin' this whole time? I know you trust me. Wouldn't be here if you didn't. We're— we're past the trust thing, right? Thought we were past that.
Tell me somethin' else — somethin' I don't know. Or ask me somethin', I don't care. Long as someone's talkin'.
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[ He looks at Blake, feeling just a little bit like he might shatter if any of this goes wrong right now. Maybe it's a little too much blood or a little too much wine or a little too much bloody humanity, but he feels entirely unbalanced. ]
Past it, I mean. Because it's sort of a big thing for me. I don't trust... people. I just don't.
[ Because they always let him down in the end. The last time he'd trusted anyone even a little, it had been Cas. ]
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[ Feel free to let that sink it. Not that he hasn't made the same observation before. ]
Pretty sure people could argue with me, but they're not exactly givin' you the same credit they're givin' the rest of the people here, are they? Biggest monsters I've seen aren't demons, anyway.
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It's a funny thing. When you're not human, sometimes you wind up chasing after humanity.
[ Crowley's seen it in Cas and countless monsters and now he sees it in himself. It's a truly frightening notion. ]
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[ He points at Crowley with his mostly-empty wine glass. ]
But I can say, some days you seem a bit more human than others. Have you noticed?
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[ And he knows why, of course. He knows that it's the blood--his own doing. For some reason, though, with all the trust he has for Blake, it's not enough and he can't volunteer that information. He can't tell Blake what he's doing to himself or why.
He's not even sure if he should be glad or worried about the fact that Blake's noticed. ]
I didn't think anyone else had.
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Well, details are kinda my thing.
[ He shrugs and takes another bite of his food, much lazier than before. ]
What d'you think's goin' on there? Should I be worried? I mean— [ He gestures. ] You're you. No problem acceptin' that, but...
[ Blake's always been a worrier, let's face it. ]
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[ Even if he's going to try to omit the blood for now, he's not going to lie to Blake about the fact that something is happening and that he's aware of it. ]
I don't think it's something you have to worry about, though I would prefer if that observation could remain between us. The others from my world would use this against me.
[ And there are so many ways that it could be used. He's weaker now and he's taken on more weaknesses in letting himself feel these things. Blake is a weakness. ]
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[ He doesn't have any problem making that accommodation, not after everything they've been through, especially after everything they've been through together. ]
Just... take care.
[ It's said in such a way to suggest Blake's not certain it's a good thing. Of course, that also means he's not certain it's a bad thing, either. The only thing he is certain of is that there's more here than meets the eye. ]
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I do my best.
[ It's a little more difficult here, where he has more people to worry about than just himself. He has Blake and he has other friends, too. Maybe they're not people he'd take a bullet for, but they're people he cares about and he'd like them to be okay. ]
I'm a survivor. Always have been.
[ He smiles softly, even if it's almost bittersweet around the edges and doesn't quite make it to his eyes. ]
We'll be okay, you and I. Right?
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[ Blake stands and takes up his plate and silverware, does the same for Crowley, and drops it all off in the bathroom, of all places — it's the only sink he has — and leans back to look in the room while he replies. ]
Can't exactly lie. Really don't know what the future's gonna be like — no guarantees — but I gotta feelin' we'll be okay.
[ Eventually. No matter what. Even if it means they just go home. Not that home guarantees anything better for either of them... ]
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Good.
[ He smile grows just a little as he takes in the sight of Blake's bathroom. It's almost shocking how nice it is in the face of Blake's clean-but-humble approach. ]
Well look at you. This is even nicer than my bathroom. I'm impressed.
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Never skimp when it's important, right? Don't mind admitting it's a little higher up there on my list than a nice kitchen. And just under a really good bed.
[ All three combined make for a pretty comfortable John Blake. ]
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It's good to have priorities, darling. Creature comforts are important. It's easier to deal with a harsh world when you've got something nice to come home to.
[ He stops just inside Blake's personal space, still unsure if he's allowed to go any further. He hates this feeling that curls in his gut now, because the old Crowley would have pressed Blake into the counter and taken what he'd wanted and the man he is now... well, he cares just a little more about the consequences between them. He's seen Blake's anger and he doesn't want to see it again--not over this. ]
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Nevertheless, he doesn't move as he dries his hands, interacting with Crowley's reflection instead of turning to speak directly to him. ]
What you're callin' priorities, I'm openly callin' vanity, you realize. Don't need to justify my choices. Better you don't, actually.
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[ He moves just a little closer, watching Blake's reflection. ]
Especially when it's you.
[ Leaning on the counter to Blake's side, he still keeps a few inches between them, but he does want to touch and if Blake doesn't side-step, he just might let himself rest a hand gently at the small of Blake's back. ]
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[ He doesn't move, not even when that hands hits home, but he's wary and entirely aware of its existence. It's something different to be close to someone, and while he's certain they have a ways to go before they can even consider themselves casual, he does admit to himself that things are a bit easier when there's someone nearby. ]
You don't need to justify my choices, you don't, even if it's convenient. That's all I'm tryin' to say. You're not responsible for makin' me right with the world, or the world right with me.
Just... be you. An' I'll be me.
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[ His hand settles a little more solidly, but makes no move up or down. What he wants is light affection here, nothing more and nothing less and certainly nothing that pushes too harshly at the boundaries that Blake needs. ]
I like you just the way you are, even the infuriating parts.
[ And he's trying his best to be him, but he's losing sight of who that is anymore and he's trying to be mindful of Blake's boundaries and Wonderland's boundaries. ]
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Those're my favorite parts, prob'ly. [ And then he nods back toward his bedroom. ] How 'bout a movie before you go?
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Blake's certainly a challenge, albeit one he enjoys rising to. ]
That sounds nice. I could use a few hours to turn my brain off.