[ He's not the King of Hell anymore. He knows that. Maybe he'll get the title back back home and he'll take care of Abaddon, but here it's all a front. Here, it's to keep his enemies at bay and to keep himself balanced. It's not real.
He's not even the Crossroads demon. When was his last deal? Emma? ]
I know I'm happier when you're around. That's what I know.
No. That's not all you know. Don't loophole yourself right outta reality here, 'cause you knew what this was doin' to you, didn't you? What it was makin' you feel?
[ John shoves his finger at Crowley and jabs at his chest, adjacent to furious and entirely uncertain as to why. ]
How d'you know—? How d'you know what's—? [ Real. He wants to know if any of it was real, is real, what Crowley wanted, or just a side effect. What if everything they've built is a product of something that, by all accounts, wouldn't normally exist?
Blake worries he may never understand the thought process in the demon's choices that have gotten them here. ]
I knew. I liked it. Maybe it wasn't about being a good person the way you would see it, but it was about being a whole person and not just some dead husk of what was left after a man went to Hell over something so stupid...
[ He takes the jabbing, because he deserves it to some extent. He deserves more, really, but maybe that just comes from the fact that he's overindulged these past few days and he doesn't like knowing that he's hurt Blake, even if he doesn't regret his actions. ]
If you would deny me that, then you're not the John Blake I thought I knew.
[ Blake doesn't want Crowley to be a monster. He doesn't want Crowley to suffer with the burdensome life of a creature longing to make a change. And he does know a lot about the man he's been hanging around with for much longer than a year now, but... ]
Is it makin' you feel things you wouldn't normally feel?
[ This is the question he poses, and he does so with probably the serious intent he's had in a very long time. He doesn't want half-truths, either. Crowley should know that by now. He's a demon and that's his reality since making that deal. How much does nature allow him to stray from that model? Or is it all the blood keeping him on this side of selfish and uncaring? ]
[ Honestly. He does want to give that to Blake in a way that he doesn't normally give so freely, because there is a difference between the truth and the truth and Crowley has volunteered more information to Blake than anyone else for a while now. ]
It's more about giving me the capacity to feel than making me feel anything specific. I still feel like myself. These feelings are still me.
[ John purses his lips. It all sounds like addiction talk to him. How many other people claimed the same? And he knows it's ridiculous because he's done his own fair share of drugs, but Christ, he never let the better part of a relationship build atop it and expect it won't come crumbling down. ]
You're right, you know. You said I wouldn't understand and I don't. Not even when you say it like that.
[ Strangely enough, Blake's not far off from fear in this scenario either. He doesn't like being put into a new place, up against new odds, asked to just accept change as it's become the new status quo.
He's so tempted to give in. Every part of him demands a different move, but his feet are firmly planted and he's good at reminding himself he needs to keep them there; there's no good use for a guy with his head up in the clouds.
John clears his throat. ]
Need some time to think. Need— need a coupla days. Sorry if that's not what you wanna hear, but—
[ He works his jaw and looks back toward the mansion just to have another point of focus. ]
[ It's all he offers, but it's some sign of good faith and what they once had. Not a yes, not a no, just his clear commitment to the part of Crowley's he's proven again and again. Hopefully the reverse is as obvious, because Blake relies on the demon to come to that conclusion.
And then with a wave, he turns on his heel and off he goes, very much the hanged man for the time being. ]
[ Once Blake is gone, Crowley slumps against a tree. ]
Bollocks!
[ He leans his head back until his hair catches against the bark and he tells himself that his eyes aren't wet. Even if they are, it's just the blood. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He's not the King of Hell anymore. He knows that. Maybe he'll get the title back back home and he'll take care of Abaddon, but here it's all a front. Here, it's to keep his enemies at bay and to keep himself balanced. It's not real.
He's not even the Crossroads demon. When was his last deal? Emma? ]
I know I'm happier when you're around. That's what I know.
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[ John shoves his finger at Crowley and jabs at his chest, adjacent to furious and entirely uncertain as to why. ]
How d'you know—? How d'you know what's—? [ Real. He wants to know if any of it was real, is real, what Crowley wanted, or just a side effect. What if everything they've built is a product of something that, by all accounts, wouldn't normally exist?
Blake worries he may never understand the thought process in the demon's choices that have gotten them here. ]
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[ He takes the jabbing, because he deserves it to some extent. He deserves more, really, but maybe that just comes from the fact that he's overindulged these past few days and he doesn't like knowing that he's hurt Blake, even if he doesn't regret his actions. ]
If you would deny me that, then you're not the John Blake I thought I knew.
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You wanna know why I don't believe you're actin' with altruism in mind?
[ He'll ask and he'll let the demon decide if he really wants to hear what he has to say. ]
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[ His quiet voice from earlier all but dies. How can he explain any of this? How can he fix any of this? No one wants to trust him. ]
I feel guilty. Do you comprehend what that means for me? I shouldn't feel guilt. I shouldn't have emotional regrets like this.
[ He shakes his head. ]
What did you want from me if not that?
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What-what if you stop? Then what? Are you-? A-are you just gonna be diff'rent- someone diff'rent? Someone I don't even recognize?
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[ He'll stop. He'll stop if that's what it takes. Maybe he should have. He doesn't deserve to feel that much humanity. He'd made his choices long ago.
Maybe Blake is right and he can't have this anymore. ]
Maybe I'll never be altruistic, but that doesn't mean I have to be a monster. You're the one who taught me that.
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Is it makin' you feel things you wouldn't normally feel?
[ This is the question he poses, and he does so with probably the serious intent he's had in a very long time. He doesn't want half-truths, either. Crowley should know that by now. He's a demon and that's his reality since making that deal. How much does nature allow him to stray from that model? Or is it all the blood keeping him on this side of selfish and uncaring? ]
Yes or no.
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[ Honestly. He does want to give that to Blake in a way that he doesn't normally give so freely, because there is a difference between the truth and the truth and Crowley has volunteered more information to Blake than anyone else for a while now. ]
It's more about giving me the capacity to feel than making me feel anything specific. I still feel like myself. These feelings are still me.
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You're right, you know. You said I wouldn't understand and I don't. Not even when you say it like that.
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I know, but I want you to. You have no idea how much...
[ He moves closer again, desperate for any shred of Blake that he can feel or smell or taste. ]
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
[ And he's scared, well and truly. He needs Blake to get him through the day to day that is this place. It's not the same without him. ]
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He's so tempted to give in. Every part of him demands a different move, but his feet are firmly planted and he's good at reminding himself he needs to keep them there; there's no good use for a guy with his head up in the clouds.
John clears his throat. ]
Need some time to think. Need— need a coupla days. Sorry if that's not what you wanna hear, but—
[ He works his jaw and looks back toward the mansion just to have another point of focus. ]
It's how it's gotta be for now.
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Okay.
[ Focusing on the mansion really is easier and he looks for whatever Blake is looking at. ]
But I meant what I said. I'll have your back either way, darling. That's not going to change.
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[ It's all he offers, but it's some sign of good faith and what they once had. Not a yes, not a no, just his clear commitment to the part of Crowley's he's proven again and again. Hopefully the reverse is as obvious, because Blake relies on the demon to come to that conclusion.
And then with a wave, he turns on his heel and off he goes, very much the hanged man for the time being. ]
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Bollocks!
[ He leans his head back until his hair catches against the bark and he tells himself that his eyes aren't wet. Even if they are, it's just the blood. ]