goesdown | s9 future thing

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s9 future thing

Crowley hates the bunker. It's stuffy and full of things that can kill him, including Sam and Dean and now Castiel. Sure, he's not chained to a chair anymore, but the way they're all watching him isn't much different.

They know they've got him by the short and curlies with Abaddon out there and now that he's helped them, he's at least got them convinced that he's useful. It's the best he can get right now, but his situation will improve with time. At least now he can relax in nicer chairs.

Getting along with Castiel is actually a little rougher than the boys. Maybe it's because he still feels so angry when he looks at the angel. He doesn't feel any real animosity towards them, at least not anything so personal that he can't let it go to save his own hide.

Castiel is another story, but he's honestly trying, because this is the safest place he can be and he doesn't want them kicking him out until they've dealt with Abaddon.

He does miss Kevin, though. Kevin was simple--not in the stupid way, but in the way where Crowley could predict what he would do. Castiel isn't like that at all. Obviously.

Even with all the guilt swirling around, he feels no regrets for hurting Castiel. That's probably a bit odd, isn't it?

Now, he's holed up in the kitchen the sad stack of books that they've deemed safe for him to read. The bastards won't even let him in the library.

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Castiel is an angel again, but Theo's grace feels different, wrong, or he might be projecting that onto his own regret over stealing it in the first place and becoming a barbarian. He's already slaughtered so many of his own, directly and indirectly, and he doesn't deserve this grace that isn't his; it's a necessary addition, a tool for war. He was glad that he could help Dean figure out what to do about Gadreel and Sam, but then, he didn't do that entirely on his own, either.

He shouldn't be in the bunker still; he could attract unwanted attention, but he's also tired of hearing that refrain from everyone, including himself, and Dean had asked him to stay. The words had been so nice that Castiel couldn't refuse. Besides, someone should watch over Sam for a few days, and also, Crowley is now wandering around in the bunker, and he doesn't know how he feels about that.

Crowley figures on the list of people who Castiel wronged, and he does regret that he turned his back on their partnership; it hadn't been perfect, by any means, and Crowley had gone behind Castiel's back, but he seemed genuinely hurt by Castiel's betrayal. That had been surprising, and Castiel has had time to realize that he did come to enjoy working with him; he wasn't just a convenient demon.

Of course, Crowley left him to die rather painfully; he wonders if that's done something to balance their situation. He's not sure they can work together now as they did then, and he doesn't know what to do with the fact that he's a little bit sad about that, but only a little.

He doesn't need to eat, of course, but Dean and Sam are sleeping, and he could use a walk, even if it's just around the bunker. He isn't looking for Crowley, and even if he was, it'd only be to check up on him. When he steps into the kitchen, he stops as soon as he spots Crowley. Now that they aren't working toward a common goal, he can't predict what their conversations might be like.

"I'm disturbing you." It's almost a question.

Crowley hears Castiel approaching just before a human might and he lets out a sigh before Castiel makes it to the kitchen. He's not too keen on being around the angel right now--not when he's lost his upper hand.

He doesn't look up from the book when Castiel speaks, even though he'd stopped reading the moment he'd realized that Castiel was coming this way.

"No more than usual."

The bite is mostly gone, but he does mean it and after a moment, he closes the book and actually gives Castiel a long look. He'd heard about Castiel's time as a human. Honestly, he wishes he could have seen it. If Castiel had felt even a fraction of the broken, hollow shame that keeps welling up on Crowley, it would have been worth it.

"Feather for your thoughts?"

Crowley speaks badly of Dean often, but Castiel finds their speech to be similar: often full of references or hidden meaning that Castiel fails to grasp for whatever reason, and often obscuring their real feelings. He doesn't doubt that Crowley means his words, and Castiel sighs, softly. He's still while Crowley stares at him, and he doesn't shy away from staring back.

The question isn't that easy to answer, and his eyebrows lift briefly as he tries to put his thoughts together into something he can easily say. And now, Castiel supposes, it's his turn to infuse his words with double meanings.

"This arrangement is strange." Sam, Dean, and Crowley living under one roof? It is a good thing that Castiel doesn't plan to stay here permanently. But more than that, he and Crowley are at a strange sort of impasse.

"I'm not sure it won't end in violence."

They share the same basic concerns, except Crowley is more concerned about violence against himself than anyone else. It's why he's been so reserved.

Crowley's a little more realistic. This will end in violence and he just has to make sure it's directed at Abaddon. After that, he'll take back his throne and it won't matter.

"I'm not planning to hurt anyone who hasn't hurt me." His look turns more pointed. He's got no violent designs on the Winchesters until they turn on him and he knows they will eventually. Castiel is another story. He's already turned on Crowley and Crowley doesn't give second chances. It's not the same as the stop and go with the Winchesters. They had an honest deal. It's personal.

"Out of everyone here, I'm not the one who can't keep his word."

Though he does bend it and while he has no guilt for Castiel's pain, there is a twinge of it when he thinks too much about the loophole he'd exploited when he'd gone after Lisa and Ben.

At that, Castiel finally steps more into the room, and there are too many feelings warring for attention in him, currently. He's guilty, yes, but he's also unimpressed and a little disappointed. He'd been hoping they might be able to close that chapter and move on, or at least just accept that it happened and move on. He's been paying for his mistakes continually for some time now, and being able to put away one of them might have been nice.

"You find creative ways to bend yours." Crowley is right, though; Castiel blatantly doublecrossed him.

"I'm not planning to hurt you, Crowley. Not as long as you leave Sam and Dean alone, and you stay out of their way." Those have always been his conditions, and they haven't changed, not even now.

"As long as they don't try to bend me over and screw me, I'll show them the same courtesy."

He hates what an honest relief he feels when Castiel says he's not planning to hurt him, though. Castiel's word is about as stable as tissue paper, but it's something and Crowley is well aware of which of them would win in a fair fight.

His lips twists for a moment in thought and then relaxes.

"I'm not planning to hurt you, either." He says it as if he's a child whose mother is forcing an apology.

"Still sort of want to, but I guess I've already gotten some good kicks in, haven't I?"

It's really the closest to an apology Castiel is getting, because he's not sorry. He wanted that tablet and Castiel knew what he was doing when he hid it there.

Also Crowley had already been waiting years for a little payback.

He didn't say it in expectation that Crowley would respond in kind, or even at all. If Crowley were planning to harm him, he believes it would've happened already, or Castiel would be aware of some sort of plot in motion. At the very least, he knows he isn't in immediate danger from him, so the reassurance isn't necessary. The fact that he says it at all, however, is comforting in its own way. A verbal agreement, perhaps, though historically they haven't been good at those, and perhaps now Crowley won't feel so morally obligated.

"Yes, you did," he says flatly, unsure of how to take that. How do you respond to an acknowledgment that Crowley ripped out a tablet and then left Castiel to die slowly?

"I'm not interested in revisiting our hostility. There's far too much at stake that's bigger than that." Than them. And Castiel is tired; it doesn't matter that he has his grace back.

"Neither am I." That doesn't mean it's permanently forgotten, but for now he can agree on a truce, uneasy as that makes him.

He still doesn't trust Castiel. The Winchesters lie, but they know what they're doing. Castiel's earnestness is a dangerous thing. He's naive and, in Crowley's opinion, completely psychotic.

"Maybe you can tell your friends that it would be easier to deal with Abaddon if I could access the library and not just the kiddy books." His eyes go to the meager pile. "Unlike Boris and Natasha up there, I have a vague idea of what we're looking for and I don't sleep."

Castiel moves to stand opposite Crowley, and his eyes move over the books as he mentions them, but when he meets his eyes again, there's a slight smile on his face.

"I'm not sure I ought to be the one advocating for your privileges." No, what happened definitely isn't about to be forgotten, and Castiel is anticipating that it might become an issue for Dean and Sam if Castiel spends too much time consorting with Crowley. He's not concerned about that, but the fact that it's likely does weigh on him.

Not heavy enough that he can't joke about it, even if the whole thing is still a dark mark in his past.

Well now that gets Crowley's attention. Interesting that after all this time, Crowley's not the only one still feeling a bit sore.

"Oh? Are they afraid you'll decide you made the wrong choice after all?" Which he did. he did make the wrong choice and Crowley will never stop believing that. He did what he did because Castiel forced him into a corner. If he'd stopped eye-fucking Dean long enough to focus on the plan, they could have succeeded without the Winchesters even being involved. It's Castiel's fault that they started coming after him in the first place, because he's such a terrible liar.

Except that isn't quite right, is it? He can't lie to Dean. Lying to Crowley is apparently cake for him.

Crowley's jaw clenches for a moment at the thought.

No, he's sure that Dean is very aware of what the right choice was, and that it took Castiel far too long to make it; he himself is aware, too, that he'd made a mistake in working with Crowley instead of turning to Dean for help. He realizes that now, and also taking on too much on his own is also dangerous. It's a strange balance, finding his place between exercising his will and yet working with people and not taking orders.

"No, but I'm trying to... do the right thing. That involves not giving them a reason to think that I'm becoming... the megalomaniac or the madman again." He repeats Crowley's words because they'd been accurate. It hasn't been easy, either; he and Dean aren't easy, and even being here now, he can tell that Dean is glad for it but also in some way uncomfortable, or maybe that's Castiel.

"I think I'd rather stay out of negotiations between you."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want anyone questioning your sanity or perspective." In case it wasn't clear enough that Crowley finds them to be shaky at the best of times. Castiel may be lucid and not currently on a power trip, but that hardly proves anything other than the fact that Castiel isn't currently doing anything openly shady. Does he want a medal?

"Fine, then. I'll fight my own battles." He, of course, doesn't mean that literally. Castiel had damn well better be with them when they take down Abaddon. They need all the fire power they can get.

"You can be my Switzerland." He pushes the book into the center of the table. "I need a drink."

Castiel doesn't think that he's quite as bad as he was before, but he is aware now of a problem of his that stems more from being unable to listen, perhaps, being stubborn, acting too quickly. He doesn't deserve a medal -- he doesn't deserve anything; he needs to make reparations, and maybe he ought to start by taking stock and not jumping into something.

He lifts an eyebrow at the glass being pushed toward him, and then flicks his gaze back up. His feelings on Crowley's rude and unnecessary method of "asking" for a drink should be clear, but he picks the glass up and then glances around for what it is he thinks Crowley is drinking.

This is one thing he's halfway familiar with doing, as it's not the first time he's gotten a drink for Crowley. He pours it and slides it back over to him, which is a gesture that's suddenly too familiar, and it brings up memories of his and Crowley's time together, some of the more pleasant moments. His gaze meets Crowley's again and holds it for a few seconds too long before he looks away again.

"I just want to try to end what I've started." And, coincidentally, that includes the feud with Crowley, though he doesn't realize that until after he's said it. He's still very carefully not looking at him now.

Crowley takes a sip, slow and easy. He's always half-temped to try to get Castiel to drink with him, even if it would be a waste of good scotch. Dean might appreciate it, but Crowley has no interest in drinking with him. It's Castiel who's always held his attention, for good or bad.

"And I'm happy to help. There's too many angels down here even when most of them are still up there. Now it's unbearable."

Not that he's going outside much these days, but it's the principal of the thing. Angels are dangerous and they're trouble and Crowley doesn't like them at all, not even the one in front of him.

"So you help me with the Queen of Nothing and I'll help you with your pesky vermin problem."

He lifts his eyebrow again.

"My vermin problem?" Even when the angels are at war with one another and they're behaving in ways that make Castiel sick, he feels compelled to defend his brothers and sisters. It isn't their faults that they found themselves here suddenly with nowhere else to go.

"That's what I would have called your situation."

"No arguments here." He takes another long sip. "But if you think your lot is any better than mine, you're delusional."

Pushing himself up, he starts to pace towards Castiel, glass still in hand.

"So what was being human like for you? Inquiring minds want to know."

Once he's in Castiel's space, he pokes Castiel gently, right where he'd torn out the tablet.

Crowley is right; the angels are behaving abominably now, and if Castiel had the sense of mind to think about it objectively, he might have appreciated how they're now behaving very much like his father's favorite creations. He doesn't have that clarity of thought at present, however, and instead he watches Crowley approach him.

The poke is unexpected and unappreciated. He doesn't need the reminder of that encounter, and he frowns at Crowley.

"Disorienting. I only became an angel again for the war, however." He wasn't scrambling to get his grace back, in other words; he could have carried on being a human until he could get his own grace back from Metatron, if that ever even happened.

He narrows his eyes and tilts his head.

"Why? Are you curious about how you might have felt?"

"Oh, I know exactly how I felt thanks to the Moose upstairs."

It had been miserable. Broken. Unlike anything he wants to feel again and the shadow of that pain and guilt still mingles low in his gut.

"No, I'm curious about you. I was human to begin with. There weren't really a whole lot of surprises for me."

He doesn't know what it's like to be an angel, but he can imagine it's nothing like being a human. It's likely even further from it than demon is. Crowley can't help wondering how that went. Part of him wishes he could have seen it, but then another part of him wishes he could have gotten his hands on a helpless little human Cas. Imagine the fun they could have had.

Does he really want to talk about this with Crowley? He'd much rather think of humanity in the way he attempted to frame it for Dean when he first found him at the gas station, but what Ephraim said -- it's been difficult to get it out of his mind. Castiel didn't choose death when he chose to remain human, but after that encounter, he couldn't help but wonder if he was doing the wrong thing by attempting to pay penance in a state that was helpful to no one, much like what happened with Purgatory. It only led to Naomi freeing him anyway, when if he'd left with Dean, perhaps that could've been avoided.

No, he doesn't really believe that would have changed Naomi's plans, nor does he think that portal would've worked for him. Still, the thought is there.

He's hesitated long enough now that his mixed feelings on his experience are probably clear by now anyway, so he sighs.

"I found tending to my body's needs to be tiring, but I came away with a new appreciation for humanity. All the centuries I spent here, observing, watching, I never truly knew what it was like."

Crowley gives him an appraising look. Where he'd expected false confidence or excessive whining over the mundane, he'd gotten neither. Castiel always manages to surprise him, doesn't he?

"It's miserable. It's a wonder more people don't sell their souls just to make it more bearable."

At least that's been Crowley's experience. He hated it the first time and this time isn't much better now that he's in this odd halfway limbo. He's got the worst of both worlds.

And he'd expected a joke, but instead he got honesty; it isn't very surprising honesty, but still. He doesn't quite know what he and Crowley are doing anymore; even the beginning of a conversation is more than a simple truce, and while he wonders if he ought to walk away before Crowley has time to form some sort of plan, which is always a possibility, he finds himself wanting to stay.

"It has its challenges," he allows, and then his gaze meets Crowley's and he sighs again. "It could be miserable. There's so much to think about. Food and shelter, hygiene. Finding a... sense of purpose. I don't know if I ever satisfied any of those needs, but then maybe that's what humanity is about."

Crowley turns away and takes another drink.

"That's the angel in you looking for that. The only humans who have real purpose are madmen. Everyone else just picks sex or money or religion because they're all easy."

And yes, he did just outright imply that Dean is a madman. It's nothing new from his point of view.

"Not all of us want to save the world over and over again."

"That's the demon in you seeing that." Castiel won't deny that there are humans who do look for that, but then there are angels who have misguided purposes, and then there are the humans who eventually become demons. The Winchesters are exceptional men, but they're not the only good people in the world.

"There are plenty of people who wouldn't want to sell their soul for those things. You haven't had many opportunities to run into them, unless they were trying to save the world." He's slightly teasing, but he still believes that.

"And plenty who would sell their souls for less. I meet the desperate more than anything, but it's an awful lot easier to be a good person when you're not desperate. I'd expect you to understand that."

Desperation had turned Castiel into a monster, even by Crowley's standards. It can make anyone worse. Certainly, it's brought out the bad in Crowley. How else would he have wound up where he did?

In the strange state he's now left in, he can't quite escape the human feelings or the demonic want to give into his anger and embrace all the negative things he feels to the fullest.

He would have argued that people can still be good even if they make bad decisions in desperate times, as Sam and Dean have done, though he'd tend to favor Dean in that situation. His recent experiences do tend to taint that idea, but then he does still truly believe in Dean's goodness.

He raises his eyebrow at Crowley, though his expression is grim; again, he doesn't appreciate the reminder, but then what has he done to deserve not being reminded of what he did, what he became?

"It wasn't my desperation that led me to that point. I was naive and stubborn."

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s9 future thing

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just pretending that said glass up there

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