Entry tags:
s9 future thing
Crowley hates the bunker. It's stuffy and full of things that can kill him, including Sam and Dean and now Castiel. Sure, he's not chained to a chair anymore, but the way they're all watching him isn't much different.
They know they've got him by the short and curlies with Abaddon out there and now that he's helped them, he's at least got them convinced that he's useful. It's the best he can get right now, but his situation will improve with time. At least now he can relax in nicer chairs.
Getting along with Castiel is actually a little rougher than the boys. Maybe it's because he still feels so angry when he looks at the angel. He doesn't feel any real animosity towards them, at least not anything so personal that he can't let it go to save his own hide.
Castiel is another story, but he's honestly trying, because this is the safest place he can be and he doesn't want them kicking him out until they've dealt with Abaddon.
He does miss Kevin, though. Kevin was simple--not in the stupid way, but in the way where Crowley could predict what he would do. Castiel isn't like that at all. Obviously.
Even with all the guilt swirling around, he feels no regrets for hurting Castiel. That's probably a bit odd, isn't it?
Now, he's holed up in the kitchen the sad stack of books that they've deemed safe for him to read. The bastards won't even let him in the library.
They know they've got him by the short and curlies with Abaddon out there and now that he's helped them, he's at least got them convinced that he's useful. It's the best he can get right now, but his situation will improve with time. At least now he can relax in nicer chairs.
Getting along with Castiel is actually a little rougher than the boys. Maybe it's because he still feels so angry when he looks at the angel. He doesn't feel any real animosity towards them, at least not anything so personal that he can't let it go to save his own hide.
Castiel is another story, but he's honestly trying, because this is the safest place he can be and he doesn't want them kicking him out until they've dealt with Abaddon.
He does miss Kevin, though. Kevin was simple--not in the stupid way, but in the way where Crowley could predict what he would do. Castiel isn't like that at all. Obviously.
Even with all the guilt swirling around, he feels no regrets for hurting Castiel. That's probably a bit odd, isn't it?
Now, he's holed up in the kitchen the sad stack of books that they've deemed safe for him to read. The bastards won't even let him in the library.
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He shouldn't be in the bunker still; he could attract unwanted attention, but he's also tired of hearing that refrain from everyone, including himself, and Dean had asked him to stay. The words had been so nice that Castiel couldn't refuse. Besides, someone should watch over Sam for a few days, and also, Crowley is now wandering around in the bunker, and he doesn't know how he feels about that.
Crowley figures on the list of people who Castiel wronged, and he does regret that he turned his back on their partnership; it hadn't been perfect, by any means, and Crowley had gone behind Castiel's back, but he seemed genuinely hurt by Castiel's betrayal. That had been surprising, and Castiel has had time to realize that he did come to enjoy working with him; he wasn't just a convenient demon.
Of course, Crowley left him to die rather painfully; he wonders if that's done something to balance their situation. He's not sure they can work together now as they did then, and he doesn't know what to do with the fact that he's a little bit sad about that, but only a little.
He doesn't need to eat, of course, but Dean and Sam are sleeping, and he could use a walk, even if it's just around the bunker. He isn't looking for Crowley, and even if he was, it'd only be to check up on him. When he steps into the kitchen, he stops as soon as he spots Crowley. Now that they aren't working toward a common goal, he can't predict what their conversations might be like.
"I'm disturbing you." It's almost a question.
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He doesn't look up from the book when Castiel speaks, even though he'd stopped reading the moment he'd realized that Castiel was coming this way.
"No more than usual."
The bite is mostly gone, but he does mean it and after a moment, he closes the book and actually gives Castiel a long look. He'd heard about Castiel's time as a human. Honestly, he wishes he could have seen it. If Castiel had felt even a fraction of the broken, hollow shame that keeps welling up on Crowley, it would have been worth it.
"Feather for your thoughts?"
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The question isn't that easy to answer, and his eyebrows lift briefly as he tries to put his thoughts together into something he can easily say. And now, Castiel supposes, it's his turn to infuse his words with double meanings.
"This arrangement is strange." Sam, Dean, and Crowley living under one roof? It is a good thing that Castiel doesn't plan to stay here permanently. But more than that, he and Crowley are at a strange sort of impasse.
"I'm not sure it won't end in violence."
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Crowley's a little more realistic. This will end in violence and he just has to make sure it's directed at Abaddon. After that, he'll take back his throne and it won't matter.
"I'm not planning to hurt anyone who hasn't hurt me." His look turns more pointed. He's got no violent designs on the Winchesters until they turn on him and he knows they will eventually. Castiel is another story. He's already turned on Crowley and Crowley doesn't give second chances. It's not the same as the stop and go with the Winchesters. They had an honest deal. It's personal.
"Out of everyone here, I'm not the one who can't keep his word."
Though he does bend it and while he has no guilt for Castiel's pain, there is a twinge of it when he thinks too much about the loophole he'd exploited when he'd gone after Lisa and Ben.
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"You find creative ways to bend yours." Crowley is right, though; Castiel blatantly doublecrossed him.
"I'm not planning to hurt you, Crowley. Not as long as you leave Sam and Dean alone, and you stay out of their way." Those have always been his conditions, and they haven't changed, not even now.
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He hates what an honest relief he feels when Castiel says he's not planning to hurt him, though. Castiel's word is about as stable as tissue paper, but it's something and Crowley is well aware of which of them would win in a fair fight.
His lips twists for a moment in thought and then relaxes.
"I'm not planning to hurt you, either." He says it as if he's a child whose mother is forcing an apology.
"Still sort of want to, but I guess I've already gotten some good kicks in, haven't I?"
It's really the closest to an apology Castiel is getting, because he's not sorry. He wanted that tablet and Castiel knew what he was doing when he hid it there.
Also Crowley had already been waiting years for a little payback.
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"Yes, you did," he says flatly, unsure of how to take that. How do you respond to an acknowledgment that Crowley ripped out a tablet and then left Castiel to die slowly?
"I'm not interested in revisiting our hostility. There's far too much at stake that's bigger than that." Than them. And Castiel is tired; it doesn't matter that he has his grace back.
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He still doesn't trust Castiel. The Winchesters lie, but they know what they're doing. Castiel's earnestness is a dangerous thing. He's naive and, in Crowley's opinion, completely psychotic.
"Maybe you can tell your friends that it would be easier to deal with Abaddon if I could access the library and not just the kiddy books." His eyes go to the meager pile. "Unlike Boris and Natasha up there, I have a vague idea of what we're looking for and I don't sleep."
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"I'm not sure I ought to be the one advocating for your privileges." No, what happened definitely isn't about to be forgotten, and Castiel is anticipating that it might become an issue for Dean and Sam if Castiel spends too much time consorting with Crowley. He's not concerned about that, but the fact that it's likely does weigh on him.
Not heavy enough that he can't joke about it, even if the whole thing is still a dark mark in his past.
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"Oh? Are they afraid you'll decide you made the wrong choice after all?" Which he did. he did make the wrong choice and Crowley will never stop believing that. He did what he did because Castiel forced him into a corner. If he'd stopped eye-fucking Dean long enough to focus on the plan, they could have succeeded without the Winchesters even being involved. It's Castiel's fault that they started coming after him in the first place, because he's such a terrible liar.
Except that isn't quite right, is it? He can't lie to Dean. Lying to Crowley is apparently cake for him.
Crowley's jaw clenches for a moment at the thought.
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"No, but I'm trying to... do the right thing. That involves not giving them a reason to think that I'm becoming... the megalomaniac or the madman again." He repeats Crowley's words because they'd been accurate. It hasn't been easy, either; he and Dean aren't easy, and even being here now, he can tell that Dean is glad for it but also in some way uncomfortable, or maybe that's Castiel.
"I think I'd rather stay out of negotiations between you."
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"Fine, then. I'll fight my own battles." He, of course, doesn't mean that literally. Castiel had damn well better be with them when they take down Abaddon. They need all the fire power they can get.
"You can be my Switzerland." He pushes the book into the center of the table. "I need a drink."
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He lifts an eyebrow at the glass being pushed toward him, and then flicks his gaze back up. His feelings on Crowley's rude and unnecessary method of "asking" for a drink should be clear, but he picks the glass up and then glances around for what it is he thinks Crowley is drinking.
This is one thing he's halfway familiar with doing, as it's not the first time he's gotten a drink for Crowley. He pours it and slides it back over to him, which is a gesture that's suddenly too familiar, and it brings up memories of his and Crowley's time together, some of the more pleasant moments. His gaze meets Crowley's again and holds it for a few seconds too long before he looks away again.
"I just want to try to end what I've started." And, coincidentally, that includes the feud with Crowley, though he doesn't realize that until after he's said it. He's still very carefully not looking at him now.
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"And I'm happy to help. There's too many angels down here even when most of them are still up there. Now it's unbearable."
Not that he's going outside much these days, but it's the principal of the thing. Angels are dangerous and they're trouble and Crowley doesn't like them at all, not even the one in front of him.
"So you help me with the Queen of Nothing and I'll help you with your pesky vermin problem."
just pretending that said glass up there
"My vermin problem?" Even when the angels are at war with one another and they're behaving in ways that make Castiel sick, he feels compelled to defend his brothers and sisters. It isn't their faults that they found themselves here suddenly with nowhere else to go.
"That's what I would have called your situation."
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Pushing himself up, he starts to pace towards Castiel, glass still in hand.
"So what was being human like for you? Inquiring minds want to know."
Once he's in Castiel's space, he pokes Castiel gently, right where he'd torn out the tablet.
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The poke is unexpected and unappreciated. He doesn't need the reminder of that encounter, and he frowns at Crowley.
"Disorienting. I only became an angel again for the war, however." He wasn't scrambling to get his grace back, in other words; he could have carried on being a human until he could get his own grace back from Metatron, if that ever even happened.
He narrows his eyes and tilts his head.
"Why? Are you curious about how you might have felt?"
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It had been miserable. Broken. Unlike anything he wants to feel again and the shadow of that pain and guilt still mingles low in his gut.
"No, I'm curious about you. I was human to begin with. There weren't really a whole lot of surprises for me."
He doesn't know what it's like to be an angel, but he can imagine it's nothing like being a human. It's likely even further from it than demon is. Crowley can't help wondering how that went. Part of him wishes he could have seen it, but then another part of him wishes he could have gotten his hands on a helpless little human Cas. Imagine the fun they could have had.
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No, he doesn't really believe that would have changed Naomi's plans, nor does he think that portal would've worked for him. Still, the thought is there.
He's hesitated long enough now that his mixed feelings on his experience are probably clear by now anyway, so he sighs.
"I found tending to my body's needs to be tiring, but I came away with a new appreciation for humanity. All the centuries I spent here, observing, watching, I never truly knew what it was like."
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"It's miserable. It's a wonder more people don't sell their souls just to make it more bearable."
At least that's been Crowley's experience. He hated it the first time and this time isn't much better now that he's in this odd halfway limbo. He's got the worst of both worlds.
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"It has its challenges," he allows, and then his gaze meets Crowley's and he sighs again. "It could be miserable. There's so much to think about. Food and shelter, hygiene. Finding a... sense of purpose. I don't know if I ever satisfied any of those needs, but then maybe that's what humanity is about."
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"That's the angel in you looking for that. The only humans who have real purpose are madmen. Everyone else just picks sex or money or religion because they're all easy."
And yes, he did just outright imply that Dean is a madman. It's nothing new from his point of view.
"Not all of us want to save the world over and over again."
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"There are plenty of people who wouldn't want to sell their soul for those things. You haven't had many opportunities to run into them, unless they were trying to save the world." He's slightly teasing, but he still believes that.
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Desperation had turned Castiel into a monster, even by Crowley's standards. It can make anyone worse. Certainly, it's brought out the bad in Crowley. How else would he have wound up where he did?
In the strange state he's now left in, he can't quite escape the human feelings or the demonic want to give into his anger and embrace all the negative things he feels to the fullest.
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He raises his eyebrow at Crowley, though his expression is grim; again, he doesn't appreciate the reminder, but then what has he done to deserve not being reminded of what he did, what he became?
"It wasn't my desperation that led me to that point. I was naive and stubborn."
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